We had always had a long distance relationship. However, for two years, we made it work. We never expected to get pregnant. Because he lived out of town, I didn't get the chance to tell him in person that we were expecting before I miscarried our baby. Even though it's been a year and a half, I am just now feeling the loss of this child. I backed myself out of the relationship without giving him an explanation. Yesterday, I decided that he deserved to know what had happened. Do you think I made the right decision? That, out of respect for not only him, myself, but out baby's life that I let him know what had happened?
I didn't know how you would take the news. And it was something that I felt you needed to receive in the proper manner. We already had plans to see each other a few weeks later.
I think the idea of maternal instinct is immediate when you find out. You start to get all of these dreams in your head of being with someone, having a little family, and as you know, I was in love with you. So, it wasn't hard for me to fantasize and be happy about what was no longer an "accident" in my eyes but just an unexpected surprise.
I decided that the weekend you were coming down was going to be special. I wrote you a letter to tell you. 2 weeks prior, I had my first ultrasound and kept the print out for you in the envelope with the letter. I wanted you to know that this was going to be a good thing and that we would figure it out. I woke up 3 days before your visit and knew what was happening. I will spare you the details, but I immediately went to the OB and she told me that I had miscarried at around 9 weeks that morning. How do I tell someone that I loved that not only had we been pregnant, that I had waited too long to tell them, and that it had died? So then, you come into town. When you walked in all upset over parking and Kate was sitting on the couch, I got so angry with you. We had just been discussing how I was supposed to tell you all of this, if I should still give you the letter and ultrasound, etc. I had just lost our child, my hormones were out of control, and I was just so angry that you had parking on your mind? I still remember being so angry with you over that. I had loved our child. My dreams of this little life we would have together, and this little life we had created, had been shattered. I didn't know how to tell you. I figured that it wasn't meant to be, it was a sign, I needed to get over it, etc. So that's why it was the last time I saw you. It's why I didn't come to Christmas. How was I supposed to sit there with your family, when all along I thought I would be growing ours? It hurt too much. And then your birthday came around. How could I come celebrate your birthday, look you in the face, and tell you about how you may have been born but I wasn't able to, as a woman, give your child a birthday? I was so ashamed with myself for having lost our baby.
This was some of the email sent. The character cap left out the sweeter, kinder parts.