I was not very active in posting during my recent pregnancy, but I did announce and give a few updates on here. Unfortunately, I do not have happy news and have always found comfort in expressing on APA.... Though it seems different now ever since APA went through all the changes.
On June 3rd while my husband and I watched our 4 children play at the beach I sat thinking "hm, why haven't I felt the baby move today." I kept my concerns to myself and went about our day. Showered my kids at home, put them to bed and immediately rushed for my Doppler as soon as the kids were sleeping. At 26 weeks the heart beat is a breeze to find but I could not. No need for extra details....
On June 5th, 2016 at 7:06am our son Keaton Emmanuel was born sleeping at 26w6d. He was 2lb 4oz 14.5inches. I stayed true to myself and delivered him naturally without intervention (beside the induction part that I was very against but to grieved to fight against).
My heart aches and my arms feel heavy but I have nothing to hold. My son was so perfect but my body failed me. They found traces of Keaton's blood in my blood, and after delivery I gave permission to allow any testing with the placenta... They found what is being considered a "small abruption". A dead spot in the placenta that indicated abruption. I am healthy, no medical issues and I certainly do not drink, smoke or touch any drugs. I had no bleeding or warning signs. I had no trauma..... There is just no explanation except that God knows all and has a plan. I am trying to trust His plan. I am trying to understand that Keaton is in the best place imaginable.... But I also want him back. I feel like he was unjustly taken from me.
We kept our son for 15 hours before doing a floor release directly to the funeral home. I just could not stomach sending my son to the hospital morgue. We also did not allow any testing or autopsy on Keaton. He was pure and innocent and I didn't want people touching him.
I knew spiritually my son was happy and safe but I felt extremely protective over his body. I am still grieving over his body and just wish I could hold him again. 2 weeks seems like forever ago and yet just yesterday.
On June 9th, My husband and myself spent 2 hours alone with Keaton before driving to the Cemetary where our families were waiting. We had signed a waiver that everyone in the family would depart before Keaton was lowered. Everyday I wish we didn't do that. I wish we could have placed some dirt over him, Like it would somehow help me feel closure (it is a choice, but at the time it seemed too sad). I get choked up and breakdown crying just remembering turning around and walking away from his tiny coffin. We should have "buried" him... It's a natural thing, it's biblical for a reason.
I would love to share a few pictures of our beautiful Keaton Emmanuel